Gogh Glass
Gogh Glass
 |
 40 Van Gogh Images 1 Square Collage Paper 85 x 11 Glass Tile Pendants $2.69 End Date: Tuesday May-22-2012 15:08:10 PDT Buy It Now for only: $2.69 |
 VAN GOGH Paintings ART CD vintage images cards crafts sunflowers starry LUNAGIRL $18.95 End Date: Friday Jun-15-2012 17:18:13 PDT Buy It Now for only: $18.95 |
 1960 VINTAGE Israel Made BOX 12 Crayons OIL PASTELS $39.00 End Date: Thursday May-31-2012 22:54:11 PDT Buy It Now for only: $39.00 |
What do you think of my Detroit poem?
Detroit.
Dodging oncoming traffic on an empty one-way street.
Erecting tiny shrines in the building graveyard for a life lost.
Finding providence stashed among belongings on the front lawn.
Detroit.
African Drums behind glass, losing their true art to silence.
El Juego de Azar: La Muerte, La Cárcel, La Salvación.
Jesus whispering in Van Gogh’s bandaged ear.
Detroit.
Home run assumes that one has a home.
A tire with an angel’s wings: a prognostication.
It’s all talk and no action.
Detroit.
Downtown, the mesmerizing lights are illuminating nothing.
Theatres and museums showcase other cities’ wonders.
Most buildings have no reason to be entered.
Detroit.
Dodging oncoming traffic on an empty one-way street.
Erecting tiny shrines in the building graveyard for a life lost.
Finding providence stashed among belongings on the front lawn.
Detroit.
Once in awhile I'll come across a poem or poetic narrative, like this one, that is extremely well done. The only two editing suggestions I'd make is to change the first line of stanza 3 so it continued the "D" alliteration found in the other stanzas (perhaps, "doesn't "home run" assume one has a home?") and last line of the poem...why? because although it is an echo to your opening stanza, it needs a turn to make it work...you can change the last two lines, but changing the last line alone would be my suggestion. What should you change it to? That's your call, but make it the exclamation point of your poem...it's "punchline" if you will...changing the wording, ever so slightly even, will bring home those few changes in a way that only the last line of a good poem can.
...very, very well done! ...keep writing
